No Longer Looking for a Utopia

I quit. That's what I think as I've become weary of looking for that which doesn't exist, takes me away from what is real, and spins me out with its siren calls and seductive queues. Some would read this and say "no-da" but when you've been betrayed, fell on hard times, suffered loss, been overrun with inconvenient circumstance, or been relationally stung you would understand why one would long for such a place. Now I wouldn't say that I've experienced all those things mentioned above but I can say that I have felt the normative sting of trusted broken people being well, themselves. I too have the capacity to hurt, manipulate, disparage, and disappoint too so this is not about blaming but more of an update on my journey of embracing even the mildest forms of suffering.

I've realized that looking for a utopia has meant being more guarded, less trusting, more fearful, and surprisingly less opportunistic. All I want to do is make the right decisions that steer me away from the most pain. I remember when I was a kid how my parents divorce when I was two hit me when I was 11. I remember how I turned inward, wonder why, tiptoed in and out of meaningful relationships. I now find myself fighting to break such a luring and old pattern.

Now you would think with such a somber blog I must be depressed, in need of meds, and some counseling. However, I couldn't be more blessed and hopeful about many things. I actually write this from a place of peace and security in God who encourages me to be honest knowing that I'm loved by him as is; no performing necessary. This place comes with a price, which is to constantly resist the urge to run away, redeem my propensity towards fantasy, and accept that understanding everything isn't everything.

So, if you are trying to exit the real world please consider this note. Time spent looking for a utopia is time wasted not making the most of cards dealt and learning the necessary skills of forgiveness, faith, and patients.